To intervene or walk away?
Chapter 1, Mishnah 7
נִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי אוֹמֵר, הַרְחֵק מִשָּׁכֵן רָע, וְאַל תִּתְחַבֵּר לָרָשָׁע, וְאַל תִּתְיָאֵשׁ מִן הַפֻּרְעָנוּת:
Nittai the Arbelite used to say: keep a distance from an evil neighbor, do not become attached to the wicked, and do not abandon faith in [divine] retribution.
L: This Mishnah seems to explore the darker side of human nature.
H: Yes, it is the flipside of the prior Mishnayot.
L: That’s right. In the prior paragraphs, the Mishnah discussed acquiring a friend, judge every person fairly, and so on. Here, we need to listen to the teachings that say that world is not always so pretty.
But how do we relate this or restate this for our grandchildren? They are very young and live with their parents. They are somewhat sheltered from “wicked” people. How do we help them understand the lessons here? They generally – and hopefully – will not confront “evil neighbors” for many years to come.
H: Yes, it is difficult for them to appreciate the statements in this Mishnah.
L: All I know, is that when I was a young kid, I wanted to be accepted by classmates. “Keeping a distance” from someone was not even in my vocabulary. At the same time, you do not want to taint or sway your child’s thinking by saying “watch out” there are many bad people out there. You want that child to think that the “glass is generally half-full” in this world, not “half empty.”
For instance, what did you say to one of your daughters when they came home from a day in grade school, complaining that they had a bad day and were taken advantage of by a classmate?
H: I first said that you can’t judge someone based on one incident.
L: You have to imaging that when נִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי said this is was not the first time that this neighbor behaved badly. This behavior by the neighbor was part of a pattern, day after day.
H: I would say that to our grandchildren we would say, you need to give this person a second and even a third chance before giving up on them.
L: But would you intercede at some point to prevent further “bad behavior”?
H: It depends on the person.
My mother was an interventionist.
L: How so?
H: She would go to a teacher or a playmate and tell them off [almost immediately] for what they’ve done. My father, on the other hand, did not intercede as often or as quickly. He would have said, “C’mon, give him a break. He might behave better the next time.”
L: According to one commentator, Pirkei d’Rabbi Eliezer, “Any association with the wicked is considered detrimental even if one does not learn to imitate their actions. The exposure itself causes a negative influence to rub off, much as one who enters the house of a tanner absorbs the foul odor even if he takes nothing from the house.”
So, it sounds as if your mother took this interpretation to heart.
H: Yes, my mother would go directly to the teacher, or to the parent, or the kid himself.
L: Did that solve the problem.
H: (with a smile) Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. Sometimes it made the problem worse.
L: Considering all this, what advice would you give your grandchildren if they encounter someone like this?
H: If you encounter a “really” bad neighbor, my advice, if it’s possible, is to walk away from them. What else can you do?
L: At the end of this Mishnah, it does say don’t “abandon faith in [divine] retribution.”
H: He’s saying let it roll off your back. Walk away because you really have no choice. Besides, according to the Mishnah, this person will receive his punishment later on.