Acquire a “friend”. Or, is it a “cabal”?

Chapter 1, Mishnah 6

יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִיקִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:

Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint for thyself a teacher, and acquire for yourself a companion and judge all men with the scale weighted in his favor.

L: This is a wonderful maxim. Pirkei Avot is full of maxims.  Does this Mishnah have any particular import, when we are talking to our grandchildren?

H: Yes, for one we should learn from our elders.  And, you will only learn if you are open and prepared to learn and to listen to others – especially your elders.

L: Let’s examine “appoint for yourself a teacher.”

H: That is a teacher, in the broad sense.

L: What about the use of the verb עֲשֵׂה, “make”? That’s a very active [almost forceful] verb…Let me ask you, though, you spoke about the need and willingness to learn from your elders. Do you feel that a teacher, a רַב, has to be older?

H: No, let me correct myself. A teacher can be “older” and wiser in learning.

L: So, you folded under cross-examination? [winking]

H: [Laughs]

L: What can you really learn from someone who is considerably younger than you but who has smicha?

H: You might not think that is the case. Yet, a younger individual can have an expertise, a special area of learning that you can draw from.

L: How literally do we understand the word רַב? You would say that Rav means teacher?

H: Right.

L:  So, I’m going to lead the witness once again here. Does this teacher have to have smicha?

H: Not necessarily. There’s nowhere in the מאמר, in the language or expression [of the Mishnah], to imply that a teacher, a רַב, has to have smichah.  In fact, Irving Bunim, did not have smichah. I remember those Pirkei Avot sessions in Borough Park.  He spoke either before Mincha or between Mincha and Maariv on Shabbat.

L: So, what if the teacher discussed in this Mishnah, is also teaching us physics? Do you think that this Mishnah is also including the teaching of secular knowledge.  Or is the Mishnah just talking about Mesorah, tradition?

H: They are just talking about Mesorah. But in the broad sense it is conceivable they were talking about learning in general.

L: That’s right. If you look at the Rambam…

H: That’s right. Look at how broad his base of knowledge was in all areas. 

L: He talked about the planets, about medicine, about biology, whatever relevant knowledge he accumulated in the Middle Ages, he rolled into his learning.

H: The center of the discussion [ in this Mishnah] is Mesorah, but you can include in that many areas of expertise.

L: Moving on to the next portion of the Mishnah, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, acquire for yourself a companion.

H: You can even spend money to have a Chaver.

L: Really?

H: Yes, you can even spend money on a Chaver who is good to you.

L: As I learned it, קנין (Kinyan), making an acquisition means to buy or purchase. Is that what the Mishnah really means here? Is the phrase that literal here?

H: I think it can be but it doesn’t necessarily have to be.

[Irving Bunim, in his commentary, states that: “Friendship, however, is a relationship of give-and-take. A friend, therefore, has to be “bought,” not with money of course, but with attention, concern and love. Friendship does not come gratis; it requires your time and regard…”]

L: How would you acquire a friend in that way? I suppose you could invite someone to join you for a cup of coffee at a shop and tell him, “It’s my treat.” And, over time a friendship develops.

How do you convey that to your very young grandchild? Is telling him to share his toys in the sandbox? Or is it when you say to your new-found friend, “My mother baked a cake? Do you want to have a piece?”

H: [Chuckles] Could be.

L: Why is acquiring a friend so important, period? What does it have to with “make or appoint for yourself a teacher”? Why are these somehow connected in this Mishnah?

H: That learning [and learning with friends] is all tied together with the Mesorah, the tradition.  It’s also about sharing an experience.

L: For instance, do you remember studying for exams…

[Here is where our discussion took a bit of mischievous detour. Howie began reminiscing about stickball games he played with his friends on the streets of Borough Park. He also confessed to another group activity with his friends, a system his class arranged during the last months of his senior year].

H: Yes, we had set up a system the Yeshiva of Flatbush during my senior year, where on top of the PA speaker we placed a light.  Based on the number of times the light blinked, we could indicate whether the answer was true or false.

This went on for a while before the teachers caught on to us.  [The teachers didn’t know about this for a few months. The PA speaker sat above, in back of the teacher’s desk. It was out of sight of the teacher sitting beneath it]. I was the one on who clicked the answers. A class friend who was very handy with electrical wiring rigged it up.

L: So, “acquire for yourself a friend” has a new meaning.

H: Yes [followed by a hearty laugh].

[Howie told me his was the top class in the grade and that most of the students were A-students. This scheme was more of beat-the-system challenge for his friends than it was a way to improve their marks.]

L: How about the last piece of the Mishnah?  וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת, “judge all men with the scale weighted in his favor,” or “judge all men fairly.”

Just to be clear, this is not describing a court room, a trial?  If taken to its extreme, does this phrase imply that we all become suckers, that we always give someone a “pass”?

H: No, it does not mean that we always give someone a pass.

L: You mean that if there are extenuating circumstances…

H: In general, we give that person the benefit of the doubt if they merited it.

L: I can tell you, from my own experiences – and a message to our grandchildren…That I think with our family we often don’t give them the benefit of the doubt. We may frequently treat friends more fairly than we do our family members. 

If you look at the Mishnah, it appears that it progresses inward – from teacher, to friend, then to family.

Do you think that we often don’t cut our family enough slack when we should?

H: Yes, you are right. We often don’t but it would be a good idea to do so.

L: A teacher, a rabbi. That relationship is sacrosanct. You do not judge a rabbi. A friend. He is your friend because you trust him. You nearly always give him the benefit of the doubt. That’s why he is your friend. But a family member….?

H: [Smiles] Yes, that is up for grabs.